Jennifer's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] Jennifer [ userinfo | insanejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | insanejournal calendar ]

Lacrimosa [21 Apr 2011|05:58pm] [ music | Forsaken - Within Temptation ] Not much really has happened. I'm getting 51 hours this week at work, but I'm needing the money, so I don't mind. I barely even feel like I've worked. So that's good, right? I haven't gotten my contacts yet because the optometrist wants to try one more brand on me. I just went for another tattoo removal session. Last time, they did 3.5, this time, they did 3.8, and it hurt so bad! It hurt three times worse! I am sad to see them go, but.. I'm sure there will always be some sort of sign to show it. It's been eight years since I've had them, going on nine years. Maybe it will help me to accept my body more. I got my blood test results back in the mail. Everything came back negative, so the whole 'spells' was probably just from lack of necessities in the blood since they took four vials from me :/ But it barely bruised! Hooray! I've been referred to a 'therapist'. But I don't see what kind of good it will do, honestly.. I was really hoping it would be more of a medical problem that isn't as complex as the mind so it could be easily fixed with fast results. The nurse practitioner honestly thought that taking amoxicillin for ten days would make all of my problems disappear, including my depression. But she was generally concerned, so it made me feel slightly better. I've still been on edge. The tension between everyone in the household is starting, and I'm going to buy a new lock for my door (with an actual key and what not) because I keep finding my things around the house that were in my room either packed away or neatly organized. And I'm just tired of it. Truly. I'm tired of dealing with people. I've got my own problems, I don't want anyone to be my problem. I keep having these pictures pop in my head. Of a big open field. Very few people around, but there was absolutely no communication. Nobody notices anyone. They just do their own thing, trapped in their heads. It's weird. I don't know. Maybe I am crazy. ♥ Hurt Me

Coming to decisions has never been so difficult. [14 Mar 2011|07:56pm] [ music | 3685 - Spill Canvas ] I don't think it's working out between my boyfriend and I. I don't.. feel the same. It's.. we're not on the same track anymore. I don't know. It's why I'm depressed though. Because I didn't want this to happen. And it did. I'm not sick of him. Just.. bored. He's not spontaneous :/ I guess I'll see how I feel after our one year :/ I've been listening to this band far too much. ♥ Hurt Me

[06 Mar 2011|12:47pm] [ mood | busy ] [ music | Flaws - Spill Canvas ] So.. My boyfriend did something to piss me off, I guess. I have no clue what, but I'm just so pissed at him. And he knows it too. Good >:[ Maybe it'll show him to work for this relationship more. Because I am seriously so fed up, that I just kind of want to break up with him. Yesterday was also a really bad day, and he probably said something wrong to me. I don't know. But I'm tired of forgiving people when they don't deserve it. Watch out, because I'm about to start breaking some faces around here. Just want to be considerate, so be sure to duck when you see flesh debris flying at you. ♥ Hurt Me

I can't explain this tiresome emotion. It keeps me awake. [03 Mar 2011|10:21pm] [ music | All Hail The Heartbreaker - The Spill Canvas ] It feels like my boyfriend wants to leave me. But he wants me to stay over at his apartment this weekend. These mixed signals are driving me insane. I can now only hope that he will break up with me. Because sitting around waiting and wasting my time hurts more. It's just a downer that he can't really understand me, or how my mind works. It clashes far too much, and he never knows what to do in certain situations. Am I wrong? For thinking this way? It feels like I'm not getting enough from him emotionally. I don't really feel that connection. I talk to him about it. At least once a month. And he's good about it for a week, then it's back into the rut. Why is this so one sided? I kind of want him to actually be cheating on me, so that my fears and thoughts and feelings can be proven right and then I can just be done with this chapter of my life and finally move on. And he wonders why I don't talk to him about anything. Either he isn't listening, won't understand, or won't do the research for me to at least try to understand how to handle me. And all he does, when I'm over there, is play video games, and watch movies. Is he even worth my time? Should I talk to him again? Should I give him a test? Is it the fact that I have to make a change to make him realize, that he has to work as much as I do in this relationship in order for us to work? Because if he starts to get lazy, he's going to lose me. And I won't give a second chance. I mean, he did get a tattoo that he's been wanting because of me. It's supposed to be about me, I guess. And it's kind of devoted to me and his cousin. But I don't want a devotion inked into his skin. I don't want a ring, or a piece of fucking paper or a poem. I need to know that he's there and devoted to me emotionally/mentally. Otherwise, I feel like I'm dating another hollow shell, just like my ex. And that was a terrible time for me. Also, I'm getting a tattoo tomorrow! Of a willow tree, on my lower side, on my hip area. I'm excited and nervous. It's for my grandfather, who passed away when I was young. And he was my best friend. His favorite were willow trees. I was very close with my grandparents.. After 3-4 weeks, I'm going to get an elephant, which was my grandmothers favorites. And a deer, which was my other grandmothers favorite. Lyrics in italian of my other grandfathers favorite artist (probably sinatra) And something added for my step grandfather. I guess I never realized how close my family is until they all leave. ♥ Hurt Me

[28 Feb 2011|07:53pm] [ music | You - Breaking Benjamin ] Everything is just like puppies breath and daisies everywhere with hopping and joyful bunnies eating the grass while the birds chirp and play. Hah. Sarcasm. Not at it's best, might I add. For those of you that don't know, I ended up working three jobs. Then I quit two. I currently work at a hotel as a cook, making decent money, and I like my hours. Work is work, there isn't much to complain about. I got myself into this mental state of where I just want to humor people and be super nice and chatty at work. It's probably why they hired me. Why am I so like-able? I hate people, and try to repel them. Do I really look like an approachable person? Should I not wear deodorant, or this pleasant smelling perfume that I have? Should I swipe the only makeup that I wear (mascara) off? Should I fry my hair into a fro? SHOULD I PUT BAND AIDS EVERYWHERE??!?! Since I got my room clean enough to my liking, to where I can let the wonderful ferrets run around (which they all decided to rearrange my lovely boxes with it's contents all over the floor). I'm starting to study for my GED. Hurrah! My appointment to get my self done tattoos tested to be removed went pleasant. I have a full appointment scheduled for the 10th. Btw, it hurts. Feels like a rubber band constantly snapping you with each pulse of the laser, and it burns after. And scabs. And blisters. And bleeds. Fun fun. But they'll be gone soon. Definitely committing more to any tattoos that I ever get. And getting them in hidden spots for work. Quitting smoking is never going to happen. I just had to fork up more money to my sister so she can move back home with her boyfriend. And now I have to pay rent because of her. Then she tried talking me into moving into a house my grandpa wants to rent us for 400 a month, not including utilities, but it would be far too strange for me to live there. And besides, I'm saving up for a car, and she's planning on moving back to california in six months. No way am I being stuck with that. But it's a thought. I'm saving up for a car! Yay! Whatever money that I save up, my dad said he'll match it. The car that I want is only 18 grand estimating higher. So if I save up 6 grand by my birthday, he'll give me 6 grand. 12 grand for a down payment in cash. And then he said he would pay off the rest of the car because he's been paying my sisters car for like, 3 years. But my mom told me that my gramps is thinking of giving me his and buying a new one. If that happens, I'll so take his house too. Got myself some contacts. Yep. I'm excited. No longer half blind! yay! I guess I have a high astigmatism, so they had to order me some special ones, and right now, I have these wonderful contacts in. And the right one just slides all over my eyeball like there's no tomorrow. So I'm half blind, once again. I've also got a teeth cleaning appointment. Hooray! My sister left this morning from cali, and she'll be here thursday. I don't mind so much about giving her money because I told her that I would pay for her hotels. And thanks to my lovely discount because I work at a Marriott, she gets super slick deals and it's cheap as hell for a four star hotel. Yesssssss. Tomorrow I pack my arts and crafts. I think I'm going to go over to my gramps and having coffee with him tomorrow. Am I leaving anything out? Oh yeah! A decent profession to go into, that will be fully paid for! Marriott. Since I'm hired in as full time, making decent hourly wage, and the fact that I get benefits is pretty baller. But I could go to culinary school and they'll pay for every cent of it. And I could get a job as a sous chef at a Ritz. Woo! Not my ideal of a career, and not what I want to do, but i'll settle for awhile. Another thing to add to the WOOHOO list is that I lost fifteen pounds. How? Well, working three jobs, and hardly ever getting time to eat or sleep.. I lived off of cereal bowls and coffee! Yeah! It's still pretty healthy. Fruit, cereal, and coffee. Occasionally, if I only worked one job on a certain day, I'd be able to eat dinner that my mom made. But I no longer have to worry about that. But I am maintaining! :D Also, Eff the snow, I'm going running in the park tomorrow. I'm tired of being in the house. I think I'll go for a hike on thursday :] My depression has gone away a bit. I'm no longer extremely suicidal. Which is good. I'm more optimistic lately, and smiling and chipper! Like everyone wants me to be. But there are still those great people, that ask me how I'm really doing.. and it's always great to talk, and get everything out. More than I can say for what my boyfriend does :/ But things are decent with him. He was being a dick for awhile whenever his friend was around. So when I was over there saturday, and his friend was there.. I guess you can say I'm a Bear half the time. And I was being a complete and utter bitch to him. And his friend would join in on either side. I guess you can just say.. I'm not really happy where I am. And I'm not really complaining where I am. I'm just.. living. A bit determined for these goals I have set. Also, I've not a single dirty article of clothing except for what's on my back. Constantly washing clothes. And constantly taking care of myself. Keeping my face clean, teeth brushed, hair healthy. But I fucked up my hip from shoveling snow and doing dishes at work. So it hurts to walksitlaydownorevenstand. So pretty much everything. This is going to be an interesting week... ♥ Hurt Me

[21 Mar 2009|12:42am] Dear journal, It has been a rough two years, and I must update you very briefly on what has happened. My aunt and uncle, and my two cousins, or, as I like to call them The Parasites [or leeches works well] moved into my house. I constantly stayed with my friend, which later on I ended up doing acid [which was fun, but I had a bad trip]. I officially moved out with my sister and boyfriend. Boyfriend and I failed. He moved out. My friend katy moved in. Huge mistake. She moved to michigan. My sisters ex was allowed to stay here for ONE MONTH. Two months later we kick him out. Now my best friend's boyfriend is coming to ohio to stay with us until they go to his parents. The boy that I am still madly in love with is getting married. So my friend Tricia and I decided screw boys and we're getting 'married' in may. My grandfather died. My uncle died. My grandma died. I have one step grandfather left. I knew we would go into a recession, so I stopped smoking pot. There's a boy in love with me and he seriously wants to have kids with me, and get married. Having kids isn't on my to do list anytime soon. And I don't think getting married will ever be on my to do list. I get sick of people easily and I think I would kill myself if I had to live with another guy like that. My sister and I are having problems with my ex. He stole my dads ps2 and father isn't happy -.-. Work got extremely ridiculous. I'm going to end up putting my two weeks in soon. I dropped out of school last year when my aunt and uncle moved in. I'm back in school. Living on my own with my sister. Independent. I'm behind on bills. Failing school still. I need to see a therapist so I can get some chill the fuck out pills. I became addicted to adderall.. I ended up getting three ferrets that I still love very much. I got a new kitten, and I got a fish. I'm still trying to control urges of cutting. Still starving and purging. Still messed up in the head. But yet I am different. I lived 50 years of my life too fast, trapped in an 18 year olds body, and I'm still laying on the floor, trying to hold my head up. I got extremely drunk last night. I hate drinking, usually. But my sister and I got into a fight, so I left and walked to the store with robaroo who was also over drinking. I lost a lot of friends due to them being in boyfriend comas. My friend and I planned on getting more acid for the next couple of weeks. I want to do coke. And I had a dream that I did heroin. I wouldn't ever do anything that your body becomes dependent on. I also made plans to kill myself when I am 19. In september, before I turn 20. I'm going to Palermo next year with my sister, since it is where we are from. I feel that I have updated enough. 4 Made Me Devastated | ♥ Hurt Me

Updating [12 Jan 2008|09:36pm] so my journal isn't inactive. I haven't been around. Sorry. Will come back soon. ♥ Hurt Me

An uneven trade [23 Jun 2007|04:25pm] It's going to happen this year. I can feel it in my bones. I can hear it in the wind. See it in the sky. Smell it in the air. Taste it in my veins. This year, it WILL happen. 2 Made Me Devastated | ♥ Hurt Me

[06 Jun 2007|04:04am] I want to update. Is that so sad of me? I suppose so. My head is just so jumbled up lately. My feelings for people are completely confused. My life is COMPLETELY off track. I need to lose weight. I will lose at least 30 pounds this summer. Maybe even 40. I want to be on my own. I want to have a very sturdy relationship. Get an apartment. Have a sturdy job. Cuddle at night and fall asleep while being held. Waking up to them in the morning. I want to buy groceries for the fridge. Read in the sunlight under a tree. Draw more often. Play more instruments. Have someone there to listen to me. And someone that I can listen to. Someone who will love me and be my best friend. Someone I'll eventually marry. Have kids. Buy a house. But why do I have a feeling that I won't get any of that? Why do I yearn it so much? I've grown up too much and too fast. My dreams are too big. My imagination is too wild. Who could ever love me? ♥ Hurt Me

Stuck in.. [10 May 2007|05:14pm] Dilemma's. Dilemma's. Dilemma's. FUCKING DILEMMA'S. I'm leaving soon. In 3 weeks. June 1st to pennsylvania. If I come back. If I come back.. and I still feel like this. I'll be leaving with no where to go. I'm ready for this. Don't say I'm not. I know I am. ♥ Hurt Me

All alone he turns to stone [28 Mar 2007|03:16pm] Had to call off work on Sunday for the funeral. I'll probably be quitting Geppetto's soon. They're not giving me my days off and I know that I request off alot. I need a summer job. Not a fucking winter job. Fuck this shit. The only reason I don't want to quit is because of Darrel. Fuck this. ♥ Hurt Me

Depressed. [24 Mar 2007|01:34am] My uncle passed away today. I know how much my aunt loves chocolate. Kendra loves my aunt too. Kendra wrote her a letter. I bought some Tuxedo Mousse for her. And brought her flowers that I made in floral design. I cried a little over my uncle. I'm mainly crying because of my dad. I'm so overwhelmed lately that everything he says makes such an impact. Me and him get into fights and arguments all the time. He called me fat today. And said that this summer, he's making me go to the gym. I told him NO. And he said "Yes you are. Shut up." And mom said "You can't force her" And dad told mom "Yes I can. You're going to the gym too. He's been picking on me. Forcing me to show him my arms for new tattoos and 'burn marks', though they were just peircing marks. I'm not aloud to wear hoodies anymore. I'm not aloud to hide my arms. I'm not aloud to stay up past 10 anymore. I still won't go to school. My father is mentally abusing me so much that it's going to drive me to cut. I'm to the edge of a breakdown and I have no one to talk to about this. No one. They either won't believe me and say that I'm over reacting, or won't listen to me. Dad's been drinking alot lately. When he drinks he gets angry. He told my mom the other night to "Get my work clothes out of the car and wash them. It's your job; you're my wife" They started arguing. I can't live here anymore. I can't do it. 3 Made Me Devastated | ♥ Hurt Me

Life goes to those.. [16 Feb 2007|06:02am] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | Joshua Radin *-* Star Mile ] "Remember the face of the girl who had made you her own and how you left her alone" I feel like I'm just a girl with so many regrets on her mind. I walk with regret. My walk is regret. My thoughts are regret. I know my mistakes, and I'm sure there's completely no way that I can fix my mistakes. I've been so worn out. Burned out. Work. Family. School. I guess I've learned not to care. I guess I should give up on my latest love interest. I don't see that going anywhere, either. I've been at this awful bump for years now, and I just never seem to make any progress at getting over it. I've dug some pretty nasty holes and I'm left to climb back out of them alone. I'm pretty positive that each piece of me is just going to have to stay put for the rest of the century; even when I'm long dead. I'm sick of having flashbacks and crying myself to sleep every night. It's not worth it anymore. I just don't know what to do. What do I have to look forward to? Who do I have to help me to find something to look forward to? Who do I have that I can talk to, without them judging me and throwing everything out of proportion? Absolutely nothing and absolutely no one. I guess I found my downfall. And I'm falling pretty fast in this pit of sadness. I don't want to live like this and I don't want to bother anyone with my emotions and my problems. I'm sick of being such a fuck up to everyone. I'm sick of not being collected of myself. I just wish that I can find solace in this life long maze. ♥ Hurt Me

it's dangerous, I'm loving it. [16 Jan 2007|03:18pm] [ mood | curious ] [ music | The Shins *-* Kissing the Lipless ] My boss keeps trying to call me. It's my day off and I plan to clean my room to get off groundment. I know that I bitch and complain about not having enough hours, but no way am I going to ask my grandparents for a ride in this weather. They already picked me up from tricia's when I left school 2 blocks early because my shoes were soaked. I started writing a book. it's kind of like a journal book, I guess. I'm hoping to be able to finish it. I started drawing again. But then when I stop because I get too tired, I never finish it because it was only a spur of the moment, inspiration and I'm afraid if I try to finish it, I'll mess it up. Hmm. Well, I guess I should be off. I have a lot to do today. ♥ Hurt Me

Moving forward [15 Jan 2007|12:20am] I didn't tell my boss yet, but i'll be quitting very very soon. I went job hunting today with sean and katy. We put in job applications in at Dave's, Fashion Bug, BK ["yeahhhh, I work at the BK lounge." "Really!? Can we get in!?" "Not without coups baby, not without coups.", Drugmart, Steak n Shake, ruby tuesday, quaker steak and lube, and I don't think we tried anywhere else. Oh yes, Dick's sporting goods, and Giant Eagle. We started to apply at Walmart with the gay HIRE MACHINE. Omg, that things ridiculous! I'd rather write a fucking book! Already been there half an hour, KATY WAS THE FIRST TO GO. She still wasn't even half way done with it. Then some bullshit questions come about asking you how you would handle things, like, if susan was being a dirty skank in the bathroom with pete [not really, but they were pretty funny questions]. We only got to page 5 of 67 until katy said "Fuck that" and hit quit. I feel sorry for those poor blokes who actually sat there through that blasted thing. I do believe you have to be 18 or older to work at CVS. But if I get any type of call backs, most definately taking up my options and saying SYONORA ELIAS. Even though he's put down for all of my reference's. Oops. Dane Cook moment. Know what? FUCK YOU. Oh shit, that wasn't right. Might as well just keep going with it. I'm excited for the trip out to pennsylvania this weekend. it's always nice to get away from home, especially if you're grounded. 4 Made Me Devastated | ♥ Hurt Me

I guess it's the new year. [03 Jan 2007|01:30am] It's the new year and I really don't feel any different. I started it off with a big party and that was pretty okay. I guess I will start using this from now on. Because my livejournal is with all of my local friends, and sometimes, I don't want them to know what goes on in my head :/ ♥ Hurt Me

A new life [03 Dec 2006|08:25pm] I know I havn't really written and yes, the last few entry's have lacked emotion. I didn't die, and I'm actually contemplating on coming back to IJ. It's become surperficial and it's not like what it used to be. I miss the old people that I used to talk to. They all gave me advice. But they've all gone on to LiveJournal. *sigh* I'll start updating tomorrow. 4 Made Me Devastated | ♥ Hurt Me

jgjf [24 Oct 2006|11:24pm] Happy Birthday to me? ♥ Hurt Me

Jail stripes. [21 Oct 2006|03:03am] [ mood | worried ] [ music | Emery *-* Studying Politics ] So I know that I havn't really written in awhile; my apologies. Things have been kind of hectic lately, but i'm dealing with it. I went to go see Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D today. It was good. They added a whole bunch of casino shit to make it look more efficient. We went to the 11:30 pm showing. We didn't get out of there until like, 1 AM. ♥ Hurt Me

love like winter [01 Oct 2006|04:50am] I pretty much should update,. since i havn't in such a long time. I've been soo busy with getting my life back on track. And I am very pleased to say, that it is back on track, except with a little bit of bumps and bruises. I'll heal in time, most definately. I made a goal that I would get grades better than a C. Anything under, and I would have to shoot myself. I would like to proudly say that I have a C and higher in all of my classes. Actually, I think I have all B's. I am very much happy with myself. I've also lost 10 pounds the past two weeks. Very excited about that. I seen heather for the first time since her birthday gathering [that was in february] and we went to the metroparks and had tons of fun. [Pictures posted in my LiveJournal . Also, I cut my hair. You can also find a picture of that on my Myspace. Oh yeah, if you want to add me on LiveJournal, make sure you leave me a comment, i'm still trying to get my navigation working on my layout. And if you want to add me on myspace, it may ask you for my e-mail or name. So my e-mail is: eatmygunpowduh@gmail.com. So that could be your small, yet simple, update. Enjoy <3 2 Made Me Devastated | ♥ Hurt Me

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]